Tuesday, October 2, 2012

You push through

I know people with worse depression than mine, people with worse problems (by far) than I have. Despite that perspective, in the moment, it's hard to see the sun rising. 

There are times a thought rolls through my head: "This is the part where I kill myself." But I'm not suicidal. What does it mean? It's like recognition meets realization meets mantra.

I've come, after years, to believe those words note the passage, mark when little parts of me die. Small hopes, expectations, feelings of worth. Resignation of a thing I can't fight. Here is where it's broken. That is the bit that hurts. This is the part where I kill myself. Acknowledgement of the death at my own hands, while feeling it was done to me.

The safe place became small yesterday, but it was still there. Thank goodness, it's always still there. And I do not doubt it's there. And I do not doubt its permanence.

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